Telling your child you are going to prison is the single hardest conversation in any parent's life. There is no script that makes it easy, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it — and the difference shapes how your child copes for years afterwards. This is an age-by-age guide to telling your children you're going to prison in the UK, written from years of watching what works and what causes lasting damage to the parent-child relationship. It also covers what to do *after* the conversation: visits, letters, video calls and the long work of being a parent from inside.
Why You Have to Tell Them
Some parents try to protect children by lying. "Daddy's working away." "Mummy's gone on a long course." It almost never works. Children are smart, they overhear conversations, they Google your name, they see the missing parent at school events. The lie eventually unravels — usually at the worst possible moment, told by the wrong person, in the cruellest way.
Research from the children's charity Pact (Prison Advice and Care Trust) and from Barnardo's consistently shows that children who are told the truth, in age-appropriate language, by a trusted parent or carer, cope significantly better than those who are deceived. Honesty, even painful honesty, builds resilience. Lies build long-term distrust.
The second reason: prison visits exist. If you want any kind of relationship with your child while you're inside — visits, phone calls, letters — they need to know where you are. Children are not allowed in to visit a parent under a fiction.
When to Tell Them
Two timing principles matter:
The ideal window is **7 to 14 days before sentencing**, once your solicitor has given you a realistic sentence range.
Who Should Be in the Room
Both parents (or the parent and the child's main carer) should be present if at all possible. The non-prison parent is the one who will hold the family together — they need to hear the same words at the same time so they can answer questions consistently afterwards.
For older children, a one-on-one conversation may be more appropriate. For younger children, both parents together is calmer.
What to Say: The Universal Framework
Whatever the age, four things must be communicated:
The fifth, unspoken message — that they are safe to ask anything — is communicated by your tone, not your words.
Age-by-Age Scripts
Under 5: Toddlers and Pre-school
At this age children don't grasp time, prison or law. They grasp absence and emotional security. Keep the conversation very short and concrete.
> "Mummy/Daddy has done something wrong and I have to go and live in a special place for a while where grown-ups go when they've made a mistake. It's called prison. I won't be able to come home for [a long time / until you're in big school / for a hundred sleeps]. But [other parent / Granny] will be here every day, and we'll see each other on visits."
Use a calendar with stickers to mark days. Read picture books like *Visiting Daddy* by Barbara Birtle or the Pact-published *My Daddy Goes to Work* series.
What to avoid: prison metaphors involving punishment they might fear ("naughty step", "time-out"). They will then be terrified of being naughty.
Ages 5 to 8: Early School Years
Children at this age understand rules and consequences. They will ask "what did you do?" and "is it your fault?"
> "I broke a rule that grown-ups have to follow, and the judge — that's a person whose job is to decide what happens when grown-ups break rules — said I have to go and stay in a place called prison for [X months]. It's not a place for children. You haven't done anything wrong. I love you and I'm sorry I won't be at home for a while."
Be honest about the broad nature of the offence in simple words: "I took something that wasn't mine," "I drove a car when I shouldn't have," "I hurt someone." Avoid graphic detail. They will fill in gaps with imagination — better that they have a simple, honest fact to anchor to.
Tell their school. The headteacher and class teacher need to know in confidence so they can support your child if there are tears, behaviour changes or questions. Most schools handle this with surprising sensitivity.
Ages 9 to 12: Pre-teens
Pre-teens are old enough to Google. They will find out details whether you share them or not. Better that the foundation comes from you.
> "I want to tell you something difficult. I've been to court because I [brief honest description of the offence]. The judge has decided I have to go to prison for [X months / years]. I'm telling you now because I want you to hear it from me first, and because the news might get talked about at school or online. I'm sorry. I'll write to you, you can visit me, and we'll get through this."
At this age, peer reactions matter hugely. Help them prepare for what to say to friends. A simple line they can use: "My dad's away for a while. I don't really want to talk about it." They are entitled to privacy.
Watch for behaviour changes — withdrawal, anger, school refusal, sleep problems. Refer to your GP for a CAMHS referral if needed. The charity Time Matters UK runs free support groups for children of prisoners.
Ages 13 to 16: Teenagers
Teenagers can handle near-full honesty and will demand it. They will also be furious — at the offence, at you, at the disruption — and will express it with door-slamming, shouting, withdrawal or social media posts.
> "I need to tell you what's been happening. I've been charged with [offence]. I've pleaded guilty and the judge is sentencing me on [date]. I'm expecting a sentence of around [range]. I've made a serious mistake and there's no excuse for it. I'm telling you because you deserve the truth, and because I want us to plan together how we keep things as normal as possible for you."
Let them shout. Let them not speak to you for a few days. Don't try to fix the emotion. Just be available.
Practical things to discuss with teenagers: how to handle questions at school, what they want to tell their friends, whether they want to visit you in prison (some teenagers don't, and that is their right), how to contact you (letters, Email-A-Prisoner, phone calls).
For teens preparing for GCSEs or A-levels, contact the school and exam board — special consideration can be requested for significant family disruption.
Ages 17 to 18 and adult children
Treat as adults. Have the same conversation you'd have with a sibling. They may be more involved in practical arrangements — caring for younger siblings, supporting the other parent, managing your affairs.
> **Insider tip:** Record a short audio message or video on your phone before you go in — "Goodnight, I love you" or a bedtime story. Your outside person can play it to younger children when they miss you. Hearing your voice is enormously comforting.
After the Conversation
The first 48 hours after telling them are the most fragile. Don't disappear into your own grief — be present, be normal, do bedtime, watch a film together. The message they need is that family life continues.
Plan small, concrete things you'll do together before you go in: a walk, a meal, a visit to the park, something tangible that becomes a memory.
Maintaining the Relationship from Inside
The work of parenting from prison is harder than from home but entirely possible.
Letters
The single most powerful tool. Write a short letter once a week minimum, addressed to each child individually. Include a small drawing, a riddle, a question for them to answer in their reply. Children keep prison letters for years — they are physical, tangible proof of your love.
Phone calls
Most prisons now have in-cell telephony. Calls are expensive (around 8p–12p per minute to mobiles in 2026) but a 5-minute bedtime call three times a week makes a huge difference. Set a regular time so children expect it.
Email-A-Prisoner and Texting a Prisoner
The Email-A-Prisoner service (run by Unilink) lets families send messages and now SMS-style texts to prisoners. It's faster than post and brilliant for younger children who can dictate a message to the other parent. See our guide to the Texting a Prisoner service.
Purple Visits
Secure video calls are now available in most prisons. A 30-minute video call lets younger children see your face and bedroom routine in a way letters can't. Read our Purple Visits guide.
In-person visits
Family visits and play visits (less formal, with toys and activities) are offered by most prisons. A child's first visit can be overwhelming — read the first prison visit guide and prepare them in advance.
What to Tell Their School
A short letter to the headteacher is usually enough:
> Dear Mrs [Name], I am writing in confidence to let you know that [child's name]'s parent will be entering prison on [date] for a period of approximately [X months]. We would be grateful for any pastoral support the school can offer, and would ask that this information is shared only with staff on a need-to-know basis. Thank you.
Most schools will then quietly check in with the child, allow more flexibility on missed homework, and refer to the school counsellor if needed. Pact and Barnardo's offer training to schools on supporting children of prisoners.
Common Mistakes Parents Make
FAQ
Should I let my child see me in court?
Generally no, especially under 14. The dock, the cells, and the moment of sentence being given are traumatic. Far better that they say goodbye at home and visit you in prison after induction.
What if my child doesn't want to visit me?
Respect it. Forced visits damage relationships. Keep writing, keep calling, leave the door open. Many teenagers refuse for the first six months and then change their minds.
Should I tell them what I did?
Yes, in age-appropriate terms. They will eventually find out. Better the truth from you than the worst version from a search engine.
How do I explain a long sentence to a young child?
Use concrete markers: "I'll be home before you start secondary school." "I'll be home when you're eight." Children understand events better than years.
What support is available for my children?
Pact (prisonadvice.org.uk), Barnardo's, Time Matters UK, Children Heard and Seen, and your local authority's family support services. The school SENCO can also refer to CAMHS.
Can my child write to me freely?
Yes. Letters from immediate family are usually unrestricted. Encourage children to write — it gives them a sense of agency and connection.
*Last updated: April 2026.*